Ripping apart

Seriously, sometimes I have no idea how I ever got pregnant with S other than the fact that I was about 30 pounds lighter when I conceived.  The cycle that I got pregnant with her I didn't think that I could get pregnant as my cycle was the lightest cycle I'd ever had.  I really thought it was abnormally light.  When I got pregnant I wondered if that's what periods are supposed to be like??   My first period after pregnancy wasn't as light I don't think but I had no pain....  what a concept!  Last cycle was very heavy and painful but nothing like this.  This cycle is hell!  I have been flooding for days and feel like I'm ripping apart on my left side.  Side note: my left side had more adhesions.  Ugh!  I give up.  I just want to crawl into bed and stay there.

Oh and to add insult to injury...  I've been trying to taper down on pumping as I'm still experiencing D-MER  and for our family's sake I need to stop.  You'd think that someone with such a low supply (I'm only getting maybe 4 oz a day) could just stop pumping but not me.  I hear of these women who just stop breastfeeding without their breast hurting, but not me.  Heck despite a low supply, I soaked my shirt today...  what the heck?  Can't anything go right with my body?

Obviously I'm a hormonal mess and my poor husband is getting the brunt of it.  That man is a SAINT!  Please pray for my dear sweet saint of a husband and for my marriage.

Total Bust

I was hoping to not have to start charting again.  I was hoping that I was just testing too early.  Nope, it's CD 1 after just a 24 day cycle...  It's time to start charting again.  Crud!  I had pretty severe ovulation type pain on Friday 8/12 so that means I might have had an 8 day luteal phase...  Crud!  I'm so tired of all of this.

Since there are post dates on both sides of the family and S was exactly 10 months from LMP to delivery, if I'm blessed enough to become pregnant again, I can probably count on having another close to 10 month pregnancy.  So that means that I would have to get pregnant this cycle to be able to deliver by my 40th birthday which is exactly 10 months from today.  Ugh!  I feel so old.

Now for some happy news...  S is 15 months today.  She is in full on todderhood.  She wants what she wants, when she wants it or the world might end.  Despite that, she is more fun everyday.  She learns new words and signs everyday.  She has a shy side but after she gets her bearings is outgoing and talks to just about everyone.  She sleeps in her crib which is a corner of our room.  This morning when I heard her wake up I pretended like I was asleep and just watched her play and talk away to herself...  she is magical.  She is truly the light of our lives and I can't imagine my life without her.  I know she will make a great big sister if that is God's will.  She makes me want to be a better person.

That's all I can think of for now.  Prayer buddy, please pray for peace and understanding in our little Catholic blogging world.  It seems as though the evil one is trying to stir the pot.  Of course he loves nothing more than to get God's children to quarrel.  St. Michael, pray for us!

Feeling left behind again / Annoyed with the health and wealth gospel

I got a BFN this morning. I didn't expect it to be +, we were a little off on our timing this month... it was possible but not probable. Then a friend who was pregnant with her first at the same time I was pregnant with S, posted on FB that she's pregnant with her second. That was the 6th or 7th person who was pregnant when I was to announce another pregnancy or birth in the last month or so. I know this is only my second cycle since pregnancy and that it's still really early for testing but I'm still feeling left behind and all those feelings that have never really gone away are getting louder in my head.

Funny enough, it may really be a blessing that I'm not pregnant as I really need some major dental work but can't God just heal my teeth? I know how pathetic I sound. I can laugh at myself but it's still hard and unfortunately I didn't realize until just now how much I took out my disappointment from this morning on my dear little S. That child will have no purgatory time, as having me for a mother will have been enough!

I'm sorry I haven't updated the hospital story yet. I just haven't been able to get myself back into the place to write about it again.

S has been doing really well lately. Her blood sugar has remained in the normal range, her skin is looking better everyday (although the diaper rash is a bit worse again - still NOTHING like what it was) and she's sleeping better. Poor thing did get stung by a bee or wasp on Wednesday. She did really well with the whole thing and had only a minimal reaction but the sting site is still bothering her some. It just broke my heart to see her start screaming like that.

Okay so here is my soap box for today: GOD IS GOOD ALL OF THE TIME, not just when things are going good! I know I'm preaching to the choir on this one but some comments on FB have really been annoying me. I know the people mean well but when they write things like "Glad to hear the good news!!! God is good", I know that they subscribe to the health and wealth gospel of "if you pray hard enough or well enough that you will be blessed." Nothing could be farther from the truth. I so wish that those health and wealth gospel types could understand that God is ALWAYS good and that He does answer prayer in the best way for our salvation. I wish they could understand redemptive suffering. I wish that they knew the Communion of Saints. I wish so many things but I'm not very good at helping people gently find the truth. Is this God asking me to work through my weaknesses or Him trying to teach me to learn to let go? Crud another thing to discern. I'm off my soapbox now.

I'm so glad that we're in this time of prayer buddies again. It has been so good for me to offer up some of this for my prayer buddy and to know that someone is praying for me.

Prayer buddy - please pray for healing in my family.

Blessings Everyone! CC

Grueling Week

I want to start by expressing my deepest gratitude for each and everyone of you who have been praying for S.  Here's the story as best I could get out in my sleep deprived state.  I'm sure there are many typos but I'm too tired to proof read.

S has had this horrible diaper rash since right around her birthday a little more than 2 months ago.  We've tried everything and she would get maybe 90% better and then it would flare up super bad again.  Then when we went to E's class reunion about 4 weeks ago she ended up breaking out on her legs and stomach.  It didn't look too bad at first but then it kept getting worse.  So last week on Wednesday we took S back to her primary care doc.  The primary care doc was surprised that S wasn't healing like she expected but decided internal anti-fungals were necessary and was sure that would be the trick.  Well by Monday of this week, I knew that it wasn't helping.  S's rash was getting worse and it looked like the rash was starting to bruise her.  We took her to pediatric urgent care that night and were blessed to have a ped from our parish on that night.  He said he thought the bruising was just an abrasion that was not related to the rash and was not concerned.  He was concerned that the internal anti-fungals weren't working and switched her to a stronger one as well as prescribe a steroid cream for the diaper rash.  I knew Monday that something was seriously wrong but I let the ped calm me down and convince me otherwise.

Wednesday morning I heard S call "mama" about 7:45 am.  I was pumping so I just listened on the monitor and kept pumping.  She never said anything else so I figured that she had just said mama as she was rolling over.  After I finished pumping I thought that I should rest until S got up but I just couldn't settle down.  Normally I feel blessed when S sleeps in but there was a different feel to that morning and so I got dressed, ate something and then laid down on the sofa with the monitor in hand.  S woke up grumpy just after 9.  I hardly ever know exactly when she wakes as I rarely look at the clock and think about it until later.  That day for some reason I made sure to know what the time was as I was heading up stairs.  S was grumpier than she usually is when she sleeps until 9 but I didn't think much of it.  She had super soaked her diaper and her p.j. bottoms were damp too.  I asked her if she wanted to get a clean diaper right away or if she wanted a bath first.  She signed "bath" so we headed to her bathroom.  Not too long after she got in the water she got on her hands and knees.  She had been constipated for a couple days so I asked her if she wanted to sit on the toilet.  She reached for the toilet and I helped her onto her potty seat and put a towel around her to keep her warm.  Then she leaned back.  At first I thought that she was just trying a different position to poop in but her eyes went vacant.  I was concerned.  Shortly after I realized that I was concerned, S came out of her stare a bit and kind of threw herself forward with a groan / whimper.  I helped her off the toilet and she curled up on the floor of the bathroom and became non-responsive.  I picked her up and she had no muscle tone. I ran to the phone and called 911.  I had a hard time talking clearly to the 911 operator but I was finally able to get her to understand that we needed an ambulance.  While I was on the phone with 911 I moved S downstairs near the door and unlocked the door.  I'd never seen her so lifeless.

The ambulance guys were great and S perked up a little on the ride but then seemed to be slipping away again.  When we got to the hospital things were kind of a blur.  E was already there as I called him right before we left the house and the hospital is closer to his office than our house.  The doctor bullied us into a spinal tap for S and we consented.  I regret that as it was clear as soon as they took her blood sugar and temp what was wrong...  her blood sugar was 40 and her rectal temp was 96 point something.  They got her a warm blanket to warm her up but I think they didn't get an IV with sugar going until after they did the spinal.  Of course the spinal tap was fine other than low sugar.  The ER nurse didn't look too confident in getting the IV in.  I mentioned getting a NICU nurse and she just smiled and put the IV in the crease of S's dominant arm.  The IV helped and her glucose started inching up.

Finally when the pediatrician at the hospital came in they asked a bunch of questions and decided that he was pretty sure that S had just gotten into some diabetes medication and was going to be fine.  We admitted that while we couldn't be 100% sure that S's grandmother hadn't dropped a pill in our house when she was here for S's birthday in May but that we really thought he was barking up the wrong tree and would like her worked up for other causes.  After being in the ER for what seemed like forever, she was admitted to the peds ward and we started getting settled in.

*****
The nurses on the pedsmeds.  When E asked about the drop in the night, the doc said that he thought it was consistent with the med idea.  He went so far as to tell E that he wouldn't recommend looking into it any further as it would be too stressful for us.  Needless to say, I told E that I wanted to talk to the doc when I got back.  Hurried back there and had a little coming to Jesus with that doc.  I was polite but I felt like he made his decision in the ER and was not willing to even look for other explanations.

The doc offered to let S stay another night but I told him that since her 5 pm level (which we again had to insist on) was fine that I was okay with being discharged.  Then at some point in the conversation he said something that sounded like he was implying that S hadn't really needed to be in the hospital Wednesday night and that was a favor to us.  Considering that her sugar drastically dropped in the night, I was more than annoyed and just wanted her out of that hospital.

She did well Thursday night at home.  We made sure to get her up and feed her in the night since we have no idea what happened.  Friday was low key. I was so tired that I could barely function but S went easy on me and took a longer nap than she has in a while. S seemed so happy to be home and I know I was.  We are seeing our primary care doc this morning at 9:30 to see about next steps but E and I have already decided that we're taking her to a Pediatric Endocrinologist as soon as we can identify one that we are interested in and can get an appointment.

I'm pretty sure looking back now that S has had some blood sugar issues for a while.  As soon as they got her blood sugar up, her diaper rash started just disappearing and making sure to feed her every 2 hours has helped her be a lot happier.  I feel so guilty that I hadn't put it together before now.  Hopefully this is something that diet can fix.  Please keep praying.  As you can imagine E and I are sleeping with one eye open so to speak.

****  Update *** I just skimmed over this and somehow a chunk is missing where the **** is.  I'll try to fix that as sometime this weekend.

The C-Section as Birth Control

I've tried to articulate this before but MAMA BIRTH has explained it so well that I'll let her words do the talking.  This is such an important pro-life issue.

CD2

I wondered how I'd feel when CD1 finally came around.  Overall I'm relieved.  I had started to worry that AF was never coming back.  I had done some research and supposedly the average return of cycles when breastfeeding is 14 months...  But I've just been pumping since S stopped nursing at 6 months and most of the people that I know who are truly exclusively breastfeeding have gotten their cycles back long before 1 year.

I still can't believe that prior to yesterday my LMP was 7/21/09!  For someone who had heavy, painful periods every 21-32 days for 27 years straight it was pretty weird to go 23 months and 9 days between cycles.

I'm tired today but not in pain...  What a blessing!  I'm still not used to this painless period thing since this is only my 3rd period since surgery.  It's so weird.  It's funny as I keep realizing that I'm super tense and relaxing to find no pain.  I think I'm just so used to period pain that I tense up without thinking about it and then I have to seriously remind myself that I'm healthier now.  There is a feeling of fullness and some twinges of something going on but still NO PAIN!  Unfortunately I am not pain free...  I just don't have period related pain...  But I'll take it!

There is so much else to say but I have to get ready for a trip to the coast tomorrow.  This will be S's first trip to the coast.  I'm really looking forward to being down there but prepping for the trip I could do without.

I pray each and everyone of you has a very blessed 4th of July!
C.C.

P.S.  Happy Canada Day JB!

Will I ever learn?

"If you don't want to know the answer, don't ask the question!"...  Right?  Why can't I learn this??

I had a "good" appointment with my primary doctor today.  I'm still a little in shock but I guess it's time to put on my big girl pants.  I'm mainly typing this up what we talked about as a reference to me so hopefully it's not too boring.

1.  I'm strongly reacting to almonds...  I burst into tears.  All the really good dairy-free stuff is nut based and therefore why I've ended up reacting to almonds...  CRUD!

2. My anion gap was 15 which my doctor says means that I'm not getting enough B1.  Okay that's easy enough.  She said I just need to add a B complex.

3.  My homocysteine has gone back up to 7.87.  So I HAVE to remember to take my L-methylfolate EVERYDAY! 

4.  My CRP is high.  It was 3.6.  Even the lab says that's high so crud...  interestingly enough the lab paperwork says that I should be examined for non-cardiovascular sources of inflammation like infection.  Hmmm.

5.  So besides almonds, I'm strongly reacting to red grapes.  Unfortunately my doctor checked the wrong box so we only got the basic food panel.  But the basic panel showed a moderate reaction to egg white, gliaden, gluten, malt, wheat, kidney bean, soybean, and brewer's yeast.  The egg white and the soybean were on the last allergy panel back in 2008 but the rest was totally new.  I'm sure that this is leaky gut.  I told my doctor that and at first she said that she didn't think so.  However, when I explained why I thought it was she agreed.  Thankfully she doesn't feel that I have to go totally gluten free but feels that I should go wheat free which we've already been working on anyway.  She told me to just rotate gluten grains so that I don't have gluten everyday.  The funny thing is that as much as I LOVE wheat bread, hearing that I need to avoid wheat wasn't as hard as hearing that I need to give up almonds.  Bye, bye MimicCreme (if you haven't tried it, it makes the best Alfredo sauce)!

6.  She gave me a Candida Protocol to help address the leaky gut in a more gentle fashion than some other protocols.  She doesn't want me to go to fast since S is still getting some breast milk.  I love that her protocol tells you how to lessen the impact of cheating.  I also love the fact that she just bluntly said "You don't have to do this perfectly, it will still work as long as you follow the protocol most of the time."

7.  She finally agreed to look past the numbers on my thyroid!  Well, I should say she finally agreed to look past the lab numbers.  She wants me to temp 3 times a day for 3 days and call in my average daily temps to her.

I think that's all.  I really appreciated my doctor more today than ever.  I am truly blessed to have her in my life.

There is so much more to say but S will be getting up from her nap soon so I'd better sign off.  I hope there aren't too many mistakes.