Unpacking Blessings

I got off track on the story of 3 years ago.  Honestly that was on purpose.  There were some things that happened 3 years ago that I'm just not ready to fully talk about yet.  I guess sometimes miracles take time to fully unpack.

Here I am though, hopefully about to deliver this new little one, and I can't help but reflect on what I was doing 3 years ago.  Honestly, I'm not sure exactly what I was doing 3 years ago today but I know that generally I was preparing for a very important trip.  It was a trip that would change my life.  It was the weekend that I was to meet up with 7 other Catholic IF bloggers (4 of which I had never met before).  I had already met AYWH, FT and LH during my surgery trip in late May and early June of that year but I was about to meet TCIE, Sew, FJIEJ and JB for the first time.  I was also about to visit TN for the first time.  I had no idea 3 years ago today how much I was about to fall in love with TN and how important that state would become to me.

Hopefully this little one is as eager to meet me as I am to meet them.  I'm still collecting prayer intentions for labor.

Good News

Thank you for the prayers.  My AFI was in the normal range!  It is still in the high end of normal where most OB's will watch you closer, especially for signs of pre-term labor, but I only have a few days left in the "pre-term" window.  Sunday I will be far enough along for home birth.  So it looks like as long as this baby waits until at least Sunday (with my history that shouldn't be a problem) and I don't have any more really wonky fundal measurements that we're okay.  I don't have the official word from the midwife on that but just knowing that the AFI is lower than it was made me very happy.

I guess that means that it's time for me to ask for prayer requests.  Please feel free to submit prayer requests in the comments of either of my blogs or by e-mail (any e-mail you have for me is fine).  Just like last time I will compile the prayer requests and pray for all requests I have during labor.

Urgent Prayer Request

There are so many times that I should have typed the above title over the last few weeks.  Yet, every time I came here to try to blog, I couldn't remember what the last password I made up was.  This morning I finally reset it again for about the 10th time this year.


The mom that was about to start chemo that I mentioned in my last post passed away on June 12.  It was sudden and unexpected.  She just went to change clothes after a doctors appointment so she could be more comfortable lying down and collapsed.  Her memorial was Saturday on what would have been her 39th birthday.  She leaves behind a husband of 17 years and 4 children ages 4-13.  Then the little boy who I said was recovering from major heart surgery...  Well he passed away on Saturday.  The little girl who is going through chemo is hanging in there but her mama was close to the mom that passed away and the mom of the little boy who passed.  So needless to say, it's been a tough month on my little parenting group.

With all the real tragedy going on around me, it seems silly in a way to be so stressed about my own situation and yet here I am begging for prayer for me on top of prayer for those mentioned above.  I thought I had figured out some of what was contributing to the polyhydramnios and had taken steps to keep my AFI lower.  It was working pretty well.  I could tell on Wednesday that it was lower and then I was not as on top of things Wednesday night and I could tell it was way up on Thursday.  Then I analyzed the heck out of Wednesday and came up with a plan to try to get it back down.  It worked.  By Saturday I could tell that it was back down and it stayed down yesterday.  I thought I was doing things right yesterday and then DARN, I woke up a little bit ago with it back up?!?!  I need it to be down today.  Today I have an ultrasound at 10:30 am to determine if I'm risked out of home birth.  My midwife said that if my AFI is 6cm over normal or more that I'm risked out and have to find an OB.  Granted the last time I had an ultrasound, it was only 1 cm over, but this has still been very stressful on me to say the least.  I'm obviously not against hospitals when truly needed but the idea of having to birth in one is scary to me to say the least.  Also it proves that I don't have this all figured out which scares me.

Last night during the Eucharist a lady came up behind me that I don't remember ever seeing before and whispered in my ear that she was praying for me to have a healthy baby.  It felt like a sign from God in some ways as I had been praying the whole Mass that the baby and I be healthy enough for home birth.  On the other hand it felt sort of like an attack as I hate it when people only talk about the health of the baby and mean alive rather than mentally, physically and spirituality healthy which would mean that ideally you have a calm birth where the mother is free to follow her mama gut without having to defend herself or her baby.  Here that kind of peaceful birth is difficult to obtain in the hospital.

Anyway, here I am stressed out and praying that we're healthy enough to attempt home birth and at the same time trying to trust in God's plan.  I'm also feeling very superstitious.  I've been putting off going to Reconciliation for so long that I've not been receiving Eucharist.  In a way it's been an odd kick start to my faith as the Mass has taken on a new meaning for me and yet of course technically I' m outside the church right now and feeling that I need to be in a state of grace for this baby.  Anyway, with the ultrasound being on Monday, I knew it was a good idea to make it to Reconciliation on Saturday but then I didn't.  So here I sit shoulda, woulda, couldaing my self, wondering if I'd made it, if I would have woken up with my AFI higher again...  I know it's silly.  I know God is not punishing me and that if I'm risked out it is because God is taking care of me and the baby in a way that I don't see yet.  And yet I come back to what if.  Anyway, please pray for me and the baby.  Obviously I'm going to need prayers to make it to Reconciliation and I would really love to still be able to birth at home in a peaceful loving home.

I hope this makes sense.  Here's it's about 4:45 in the morning and I'm fading fast.

Well crud... Prayer request

Polyhydramnios is not what you want to see on an ultrasound report and transverse oblique is something that you don't want to see past about 26 weeks of pregnancy.  Actually this baby seems to have come up with every malposition all at once.  Sunny side up, head to the upper left and bum in my right hip.  This kid may well be the most stubborn one of us yet.  I still have a few weeks for this baby to turn before it becomes truly worrisome but of course with the high fluid levels, the baby might not have much incentive to turn.  I'm praying that the fluid levels are the same or preferably less in two weeks and that the baby's position is better.

I feel silly for even being stressed about my situation when friends of mine are dealing with much bigger crises. One of the children from my parenting group is recovering from major heart surgery where he almost didn't make it.  Another child from the same group is going through chemo.  And one of the moms from the same group is about to go through chemo.  So thank you Lord for my worst problems being polyhydramnios, a malpositioned baby and a serious lack of energy.

Please pray for good results in two weeks and please pray for the families in my parenting group.

I still hate mother's day.

Maybe it's because I'm older...  After all I always wanted to be a mom, but the fall after I turned 21, I had an experience one evening where I swear my womb enveloped my body and I desperately wanted to be a mother right then.  Seven years later, during the spring just before I turned 28, I was crying everyday, begging God to bring me a husband so that I could have children.  God spoke to me that spring and He told me it would be 7 more years.  It was exactly 7 more years before I was married and could even start trying to have children and of course by then I was pretty sure that it was going to be a rough road.

Maybe it's because I'm not proud of of my behavior during that second 7 years, when I didn't trust God enough to keep His word...

Maybe it's because I have an almost non-existent relationship with my mother...

Maybe it's because I'm having a hard time with this pregnancy...  I near passed out in Mass this morning because standing even for short periods is very hard and despite treatment, my progesterone has been low enough lately that it's concerning Dr. O.

Maybe it's a 100 other things but...

I still HATE Mother's Day!

I LOVE being a mother.  I'm not sure that I'm very good at it but I feel so blessed to be the mother to my little spit-fire S and this new little baby.

Today at the end of Mass the priest asked everyone to sit down except the mothers.  I wanted to disappear.  My belly is too big to hide and therefore I stood there with a burning face, about to pass out again, wishing that I'd skipped Mass today.  Thank God it was NOT a blessing!  I'm not sure I could have handled that.  The Knights passed out roses to all the mothers while the announcements were read and then the priest said "Thank you" to all the mothers.  As soon as I got to the car I burst into tears.  I still feel the pain from the 16 years of mother's days where I was childless.  I still feel the stress from my first mother's day as a mother, when I was almost 42 weeks pregnant with S and no longer knew who I was.  Obviously becoming a mother did not heal my wounds.  I know only the grace of God can do that.  I pray that I can allow God to heal me and that he will choose to do so...

But in the meantime, I still HATE Mother's Day!

100 year cold

I've had a bunch of blog topics in my head and I so want to write them but alas my mind is clouded by snot.  So here's some random stuff in bullet points:

• Thank God for popsicles, jello and zofran...  S and I survived food poisoning last week.  I've never been so violently ill in all my life...  after 12 hours of not being able to hold anything down 1 dose of zofran allowed me to resume drinking liquid but it was 3 more days before my stomach finally stopped spasming.
• My stomach got better just in time for me to get the cold of the century...  The last time I coughed this hard was when I had whooping cough.  Of course the cough from the whooping cough was worse than this cough but I wasn't pregnant then so I didn't have to deal with incontinence with the coughing and my nose didn't look like Rudolph's.
• E was honored at a dinner last Thursday where he was presented with a new piece of crystal in honor of his latest US patent.  Thankfully I was able to eat that night and nobody seemed to know how sick I had been...  I guess the real thanks goes to my awesome hairstylist and some good makeup.
• My progesterone fell into zone 1 despite supplementation.  We're assuming that it had to due with the lack of being able to take the progesterone for a few days last week.  Hopefully it will be back to zone 2 in two weeks.
• The last night of my Great Adventure Bible Study was last night and once again I couldn't make it.  Maybe someday I can do it again and make it to the nights I missed this time around.  I swear it became kind of a joke that Wednesdays might be cursed since each Tuesday it seemed like I was going to be able to make it that week until Wednesday morning when I woke up with a neck that spasmed out so bad my LMP and DC couldn't even help, had the food poisoning, the 100 year cold got worse, etc...  seriously a joke right?
• Through the Blogger Biographies, I had a weird experience.  A blogger that I didn't know existed is 2 degrees of separation from me through so many people it's kind of scary.  Reading through her blog I knew so many different people that she mentioned in her posts that it was unreal.  I have some real discernment as to whether I should reveal myself or not.  Basically a lot of the people that she mentions are from my past.  I'm not sure if this is God leading me to her blog to help me heal or the other side throwing the past in my face to hurt me.
• Despite my whining this really is a special time.  S is at such a fun stage.  She has such an imagination and is able to communicate enough to let us into her world.  She's also become a lot more loving even saying "I love you" once...  talk about my heart leaving my body.
• I also get to laugh at myself daily since S has my temper and it's just funny to see it come out in her.  I wonder how the teenage years will go with both of us being so bull headed.

That's all I can think of for now.  I pray that each of you has a very blessed ending to Lent.

Lenten Mysteries

Thank you for your prayers.  Emotionally I'm feeling better than I was when I wrote the last post.  I wish I could say that I feel better physically but hey 50% is pretty good right?  I had hoped that I'd be able to get off the progesterone this pregnancy but it seems that might not be possible.  I tried going off the progesterone around the 3rd and was feeling pretty good on the 15th when I had my next draw.  Then on the 17th I received a somewhat worried call from my midwife asking me how I was feeling.  I was still feeling okay, not as good as 2 days earlier when I had the draw but not bad.  Turns out that my progesterone had taken a pretty significant drop.  Later that day I started cramping some.  I tried to pass it off as psychosomatic but by 11 pm that night I was not willing to take the risk of continuing off the progesterone.  I was able to talk to Dr. O's office on the 21st and they were glad that I went back on the progesterone as although I had been right in the middle of zone 3 on the progesterone, off of it I was almost down to zone 1 on the 15th.  I'm certain that I was fully in zone 1 by Friday when I started cramping.  Officially that's the lowest I've ever been known to go in pregnancy.  The recovery has been slow but I'm starting to feel that things are getting back to where they should be.

One thing that has really helped me lately is starting the H.ypno b.abies Home Study course.  The relaxation that I've achieved just in the last week has been truly wonderful.  I really noticed the difference when I went to the chiropractor on Friday.  As I was reviewing my symptoms since my last visit, I realized that I had less headaches since starting the h.ypnosis cds.  I so wish that I'd done this course when I was pregnant with S.

Back to 2009...  The weekend of 2/14 and 2/15 was a blur of emotions.  I remember that I was nervous about meeting Dr. O for the first time at the end of the weekend, but so excited that we were off to D.uke in about a week and a half.  On 2/15 we traveled about 3 hours from our house to a resort area near Dr. O's office where we had a nice dinner and stayed the night.  We met Dr. O for the first time on Monday the 16th (President's Day that year).  Our FCP believed that I was a surgery candidate from the first time she looked at my charts but encouraged me to see Dr. O before calling surgeons.  Dr. O confirmed that I was a surgery candidate and supported me calling Dr. Y.  We traveled home that day and on Tuesday 2/17 my only task was to call Dr. Y's office and see if there was any way he'd be able to fit me in the following week when I was there.  I of course waited until the last minute as I didn't want to face being laughed at and told that it was impossible to see the doctor the next week.  We had been very busy the week before so I decided to get caught up on my favorite television shows rather than make the call.  ALL of the shows had to do with D.uke and / or N.C...  I knew it was a sign.  I finally made the call and spoke to a very sweet woman who gave me SEVERAL options for seeing Dr. Y the next week.  I was sobbing.

I don't really remember much about getting ready for the trip.  Before we knew it, it was Tuesday 2/24 and we were off to the airport.  Thankfully we got to the airport a little earlier than we needed to, as we then found out that our original flight had been canceled due to maintenance issues and they were able to get us on a slightly earlier flight.  The people behind us ended up on a much later flight.  The first leg of the journey I just slept (I'm not sure that I'd slept the night before).  Then on the second leg, I went to pull out the book I intended to read that trip and couldn't find it.  I assumed that I had left it at home.  Our next layover was Dulles (a stop that was not on our original itinerary).  When we got to Dulles, I headed to the nearest book shop to find something to read on our trip.  When I walked in the book shop I turned left and saw Our Lady of K.ibeho sitting on the top shelf.  There had been a great deal of talk on the Catholic IF blogs that month about I.mmaculee (some of the bloggers had just recently met her at a conference in the RDU area) and her newest book Our Lady of K.ibeho.  I took me forgetting my other book and finding this book so easily as a sign and picked it up.  Our last leg was just a short hop from Dulles to RDU so I didn't actually have much time to read.

When we made it to RDU, our first task was finding rental car that had never been smoked in.  We were continually assured that none of their cars had ever been smoked in, yet each one had ash in it and smelled like a smoky bar.  We finally found one that didn't set off my asthma so bad at the rental place only to have to pretty much keep the windows rolled down as much as possible.  Oh the things that seem funny now.

Wednesday 2/25 was Ash Wednesday that year.  E had a workshop at D.uke all day and well into the evening so I was on my own.  I dropped E off in the morning and then made my way to a H.arris T.eeter to find Lenten food for the day.  I decided to get a loaf of olive bread, some raw almonds and some dried apricots.  That with bottled water was to be my sustenance for the day.  To this day, that was the most observant I ever was of Ash Wednesday.  I think the hope was so palpable that I found it easier to be more observant.  I spent the day exploring D.urham and had a wonderful time.  I don't remember what time I went to Mass but I remember well the parish.  The church had been remodeled to a very modern look but it was a wonderfully devout Mass that fed my soul.  It was a hard Mass for me as it was the first time that I had gone to Mass by myself in years and yet it was good for me to be there that day.

Finally it was Thursday 2/26 (3 years ago today).  E once again had the workshop but had planned to be done by the time of my appointment.  I once again had the morning to myself and explored D.urham more.  Then I picked up E and headed to Dr. Y's office.  I remember I was so incredibly nervous.  I tried to read Our Lady of K.ibeho but was having a hard time comprehending anything.  The appointment with Dr. Y was long and yet it flew by.  I don't remember much except at the beginning and the end.  The end was the part that stuck with me the most.  I remember him saying that he was going to do everything he could to restore my fertility "but" and he stopped.  I finished his sentence "But God is ultimately in control."  We both nodded and I knew that I was exactly where I was supposed to be.  Then a few minutes later as I was gathering my things, Dr. Y saw my book and said "I met her recently." meaning I.mmaculee.  We went on to say a few things that I won't write here but I walked out stunned.  I was confused and had no idea what was happening.  It was clear that I'd just been given a clue to a piece of  God's plan that I couldn't begin to understand in that moment.  It would be about a month more before I would understand the piece that struck me the hardest.  Ultimately though, although I knew something great was about to happen, I am still unpacking all the mysteries of that year.

As E and I were reliving 26 Feb 2009 a few hours ago, he asked "Wasn't that the night that we accidentally set a napkin on fire?"  That's a story for another day, but tonight I pray for that poor waiter who put up with us 3 years ago tonight.

I pray that your Lenten journey is a very blessed one!

P.S. Please ignore all the grammatical errors, I really have to get something else done today. ;o)