I still hate mother's day.

Maybe it's because I'm older...  After all I always wanted to be a mom, but the fall after I turned 21, I had an experience one evening where I swear my womb enveloped my body and I desperately wanted to be a mother right then.  Seven years later, during the spring just before I turned 28, I was crying everyday, begging God to bring me a husband so that I could have children.  God spoke to me that spring and He told me it would be 7 more years.  It was exactly 7 more years before I was married and could even start trying to have children and of course by then I was pretty sure that it was going to be a rough road.

Maybe it's because I'm not proud of of my behavior during that second 7 years, when I didn't trust God enough to keep His word...

Maybe it's because I have an almost non-existent relationship with my mother...

Maybe it's because I'm having a hard time with this pregnancy...  I near passed out in Mass this morning because standing even for short periods is very hard and despite treatment, my progesterone has been low enough lately that it's concerning Dr. O.

Maybe it's a 100 other things but...

I still HATE Mother's Day!

I LOVE being a mother.  I'm not sure that I'm very good at it but I feel so blessed to be the mother to my little spit-fire S and this new little baby.

Today at the end of Mass the priest asked everyone to sit down except the mothers.  I wanted to disappear.  My belly is too big to hide and therefore I stood there with a burning face, about to pass out again, wishing that I'd skipped Mass today.  Thank God it was NOT a blessing!  I'm not sure I could have handled that.  The Knights passed out roses to all the mothers while the announcements were read and then the priest said "Thank you" to all the mothers.  As soon as I got to the car I burst into tears.  I still feel the pain from the 16 years of mother's days where I was childless.  I still feel the stress from my first mother's day as a mother, when I was almost 42 weeks pregnant with S and no longer knew who I was.  Obviously becoming a mother did not heal my wounds.  I know only the grace of God can do that.  I pray that I can allow God to heal me and that he will choose to do so...

But in the meantime, I still HATE Mother's Day!