Friday, December 23, 2011

Testosterone = 74 - Crud, Advise needed

Thank you for your prayers with me and my mom.  I'm at a place that I have to just leave it in God's hands.

So about the testosterone, the interesting thing is that no one ordered it.  The lab mistakenly ran it so we won't be getting charged for it.  This feel like God to me.  Does anyone know about natural treatments to reduce Testosterone??

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Broken Hearted

Every time I talk to my mom I become more broken hearted.  She called tonight with some bad news about a family member that she was very close to as a child.  I tried to be there for her but soon I was really having to keep myself in check as she started gossiping.  I managed to stay civil but I didn't handle it as well as I would have liked.  I hate all the dramatic gossip that seems to be a part of every conversation that she has and I want to  protect me and my family from it.  I really don't know exactly how to do that but I seem to be getting better.  At least tonight I said that something to the effect that there was no point in us gossiping about something that neither of us had anything to do with.  That seemed to get through to her on some level.

The thing that I'm the most upset with though is pretty silly and yet it still hurts me.  She told me what my Christmas gift was from my aunt.  My aunt is not the best at giving gifts that I could ever use but each year I have the hope, until I open the box, that this year might be different.  And my mom just blurts out something about how my aunt knows that I probably can't use the gift and tells me generally what it is.  It didn't even fit with the conversation.  My husband's take is that my mom derives the bulk of her self worth from being a source of information.  I think he's right and there in lies the problem.  She's like the national enquirer.  Anything she hears, sees, etc. is told to everyone she can think of as fast as she can, even when she's sworn to secrecy.  And even though I know this, every time it's shoved in my face again, my heart breaks a little more.  How do you tell your child that they can't trust their grandmother?  Crud!

I guess the bright spot is that  I was pretty sad and confused that she was only going to come down for the afternoon of the 26th...  I think she doesn't like our rules.  Anyway, now I'm glad that it will be a very short visit.

Oh well, it's time to pick myself up and make my daughter's Christmas extra special.  E and I finally decided on S's big gift last night and I was able to find it for a good price with free overnight shipping this morning (Wednesday am - obviously I'm up late).  I can't wait to see the look on her face.  Hopefully all this drama with my mom will make me a better mom for S...  I can hope right?

I pray that each and every one of you has a most blessed end to this Advent Season!

Oh! Our Christmas Cards turned out pretty good I think.  If you'd like one, send me an e-mail at

Monday, December 19, 2011

Urgent Prayer Request

Please pray for this family as they prepare to take their infant off ECMO and trust in God's plan.

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Expectant Faith

I'm sorry I haven't blogged here in so long.  I've blogged on my other blog a few times but I just couldn't blog here.  I tried last week and I couldn't finish the post.

Then today it hit me.  I know what my problem is.  My family of origin is so broken that this time of year is extremely hard on me.  What I realized today is that I'm failing to live in expectant faith that God will heal me and my family in His time.  Why was this so hard for me to see before today?  Funny how I have to learn the same lessons over and over again.

I had to learn this lesson with wanting to be a wife and mother and now here I am learning the lesson again.  I yearned to be a wife and mother for 14 years before I was able to become a wife and then yearned to be a mother for 2 more years before S came along.  I guess I am improving a little though as the big blow up with my family really hit right about 2 years ago and I'm realizing now that I really have to give this to God and live in expectant faith.  It took me WAY longer that 2 years to get to this place in regard to being a wife and mother.  I was so angry and so hateful for so long that God blessed me in not letting me get married or pregnant during that time.  Oh the pain that He has saved me from.

Lately I really have been in an angry, hateful place.  It's hard to admit that but I have.  I'm still really angry about what went on two years ago and since.  On the advice of one of my favorite priests I've really limited contact with my family of origin and that has helped some, but obviously not to the point that I would have hoped.  I'm nervous about my mom coming for Christmas as I know that the scab is getting ripped off...  Hopefully I can remember to offer it up.

Prayer Buddy - In this last week of Advent, please pray for healing in my family of origin.