Every time I talk to my mom I become more broken hearted. She called tonight with some bad news about a family member that she was very close to as a child. I tried to be there for her but soon I was really having to keep myself in check as she started gossiping. I managed to stay civil but I didn't handle it as well as I would have liked. I hate all the dramatic gossip that seems to be a part of every conversation that she has and I want to protect me and my family from it. I really don't know exactly how to do that but I seem to be getting better. At least tonight I said that something to the effect that there was no point in us gossiping about something that neither of us had anything to do with. That seemed to get through to her on some level.
The thing that I'm the most upset with though is pretty silly and yet it still hurts me. She told me what my Christmas gift was from my aunt. My aunt is not the best at giving gifts that I could ever use but each year I have the hope, until I open the box, that this year might be different. And my mom just blurts out something about how my aunt knows that I probably can't use the gift and tells me generally what it is. It didn't even fit with the conversation. My husband's take is that my mom derives the bulk of her self worth from being a source of information. I think he's right and there in lies the problem. She's like the national enquirer. Anything she hears, sees, etc. is told to everyone she can think of as fast as she can, even when she's sworn to secrecy. And even though I know this, every time it's shoved in my face again, my heart breaks a little more. How do you tell your child that they can't trust their grandmother? Crud!
I guess the bright spot is that I was pretty sad and confused that she was only going to come down for the afternoon of the 26th... I think she doesn't like our rules. Anyway, now I'm glad that it will be a very short visit.
Oh well, it's time to pick myself up and make my daughter's Christmas extra special. E and I finally decided on S's big gift last night and I was able to find it for a good price with free overnight shipping this morning (Wednesday am - obviously I'm up late). I can't wait to see the look on her face. Hopefully all this drama with my mom will make me a better mom for S... I can hope right?
I pray that each and every one of you has a most blessed end to this Advent Season!
Oh! Our Christmas Cards turned out pretty good I think. If you'd like one, send me an e-mail at crunchycatholicmama@yahoo.com
Our mothers are cut from the same cloth, although mine only tells me the information that makes her look good (which I know is usually a lie).
ReplyDeleteYou are already a better mother because you recognize that you have to do better. S is a lucky girl!
I think there are a lot of us with "mommy issues". I know how hard it can be to handle these situations and I've been there many times myself. There's a book that really helped me quite a bit. It's called:
ReplyDeleteBoundaries-Where you end and I begin by Anne Katherine.
Maybe it could be helpful for you.
Sending prayers to your way.
ReplyDelete