There are so many times that I should have typed the above title over the last few weeks. Yet, every time I came here to try to blog, I couldn't remember what the last password I made up was. This morning I finally reset it again for about the 10th time this year.
The mom that was about to start chemo that I mentioned in my last post passed away on June 12. It was sudden and unexpected. She just went to change clothes after a doctors appointment so she could be more comfortable lying down and collapsed. Her memorial was Saturday on what would have been her 39th birthday. She leaves behind a husband of 17 years and 4 children ages 4-13. Then the little boy who I said was recovering from major heart surgery... Well he passed away on Saturday. The little girl who is going through chemo is hanging in there but her mama was close to the mom that passed away and the mom of the little boy who passed. So needless to say, it's been a tough month on my little parenting group.
With all the real tragedy going on around me, it seems silly in a way to be so stressed about my own situation and yet here I am begging for prayer for me on top of prayer for those mentioned above. I thought I had figured out some of what was contributing to the polyhydramnios and had taken steps to keep my AFI lower. It was working pretty well. I could tell on Wednesday that it was lower and then I was not as on top of things Wednesday night and I could tell it was way up on Thursday. Then I analyzed the heck out of Wednesday and came up with a plan to try to get it back down. It worked. By Saturday I could tell that it was back down and it stayed down yesterday. I thought I was doing things right yesterday and then DARN, I woke up a little bit ago with it back up?!?! I need it to be down today. Today I have an ultrasound at 10:30 am to determine if I'm risked out of home birth. My midwife said that if my AFI is 6cm over normal or more that I'm risked out and have to find an OB. Granted the last time I had an ultrasound, it was only 1 cm over, but this has still been very stressful on me to say the least. I'm obviously not against hospitals when truly needed but the idea of having to birth in one is scary to me to say the least. Also it proves that I don't have this all figured out which scares me.
Last night during the Eucharist a lady came up behind me that I don't remember ever seeing before and whispered in my ear that she was praying for me to have a healthy baby. It felt like a sign from God in some ways as I had been praying the whole Mass that the baby and I be healthy enough for home birth. On the other hand it felt sort of like an attack as I hate it when people only talk about the health of the baby and mean alive rather than mentally, physically and spirituality healthy which would mean that ideally you have a calm birth where the mother is free to follow her mama gut without having to defend herself or her baby. Here that kind of peaceful birth is difficult to obtain in the hospital.
Anyway, here I am stressed out and praying that we're healthy enough to attempt home birth and at the same time trying to trust in God's plan. I'm also feeling very superstitious. I've been putting off going to Reconciliation for so long that I've not been receiving Eucharist. In a way it's been an odd kick start to my faith as the Mass has taken on a new meaning for me and yet of course technically I' m outside the church right now and feeling that I need to be in a state of grace for this baby. Anyway, with the ultrasound being on Monday, I knew it was a good idea to make it to Reconciliation on Saturday but then I didn't. So here I sit shoulda, woulda, couldaing my self, wondering if I'd made it, if I would have woken up with my AFI higher again... I know it's silly. I know God is not punishing me and that if I'm risked out it is because God is taking care of me and the baby in a way that I don't see yet. And yet I come back to what if. Anyway, please pray for me and the baby. Obviously I'm going to need prayers to make it to Reconciliation and I would really love to still be able to birth at home in a peaceful loving home.
I hope this makes sense. Here's it's about 4:45 in the morning and I'm fading fast.
