Testosterone = 74 - Crud, Advise needed

Thank you for your prayers with me and my mom.  I'm at a place that I have to just leave it in God's hands.

So about the testosterone, the interesting thing is that no one ordered it.  The lab mistakenly ran it so we won't be getting charged for it.  This feel like God to me.  Does anyone know about natural treatments to reduce Testosterone??

Broken Hearted

Every time I talk to my mom I become more broken hearted.  She called tonight with some bad news about a family member that she was very close to as a child.  I tried to be there for her but soon I was really having to keep myself in check as she started gossiping.  I managed to stay civil but I didn't handle it as well as I would have liked.  I hate all the dramatic gossip that seems to be a part of every conversation that she has and I want to  protect me and my family from it.  I really don't know exactly how to do that but I seem to be getting better.  At least tonight I said that something to the effect that there was no point in us gossiping about something that neither of us had anything to do with.  That seemed to get through to her on some level.

The thing that I'm the most upset with though is pretty silly and yet it still hurts me.  She told me what my Christmas gift was from my aunt.  My aunt is not the best at giving gifts that I could ever use but each year I have the hope, until I open the box, that this year might be different.  And my mom just blurts out something about how my aunt knows that I probably can't use the gift and tells me generally what it is.  It didn't even fit with the conversation.  My husband's take is that my mom derives the bulk of her self worth from being a source of information.  I think he's right and there in lies the problem.  She's like the national enquirer.  Anything she hears, sees, etc. is told to everyone she can think of as fast as she can, even when she's sworn to secrecy.  And even though I know this, every time it's shoved in my face again, my heart breaks a little more.  How do you tell your child that they can't trust their grandmother?  Crud!

I guess the bright spot is that  I was pretty sad and confused that she was only going to come down for the afternoon of the 26th...  I think she doesn't like our rules.  Anyway, now I'm glad that it will be a very short visit.

Oh well, it's time to pick myself up and make my daughter's Christmas extra special.  E and I finally decided on S's big gift last night and I was able to find it for a good price with free overnight shipping this morning (Wednesday am - obviously I'm up late).  I can't wait to see the look on her face.  Hopefully all this drama with my mom will make me a better mom for S...  I can hope right?

I pray that each and every one of you has a most blessed end to this Advent Season!

Oh! Our Christmas Cards turned out pretty good I think.  If you'd like one, send me an e-mail at crunchycatholicmama@yahoo.com

Urgent Prayer Request

Please pray for this family as they prepare to take their infant off ECMO and trust in God's plan.

Expectant Faith

I'm sorry I haven't blogged here in so long.  I've blogged on my other blog a few times but I just couldn't blog here.  I tried last week and I couldn't finish the post.

Then today it hit me.  I know what my problem is.  My family of origin is so broken that this time of year is extremely hard on me.  What I realized today is that I'm failing to live in expectant faith that God will heal me and my family in His time.  Why was this so hard for me to see before today?  Funny how I have to learn the same lessons over and over again.

I had to learn this lesson with wanting to be a wife and mother and now here I am learning the lesson again.  I yearned to be a wife and mother for 14 years before I was able to become a wife and then yearned to be a mother for 2 more years before S came along.  I guess I am improving a little though as the big blow up with my family really hit right about 2 years ago and I'm realizing now that I really have to give this to God and live in expectant faith.  It took me WAY longer that 2 years to get to this place in regard to being a wife and mother.  I was so angry and so hateful for so long that God blessed me in not letting me get married or pregnant during that time.  Oh the pain that He has saved me from.

Lately I really have been in an angry, hateful place.  It's hard to admit that but I have.  I'm still really angry about what went on two years ago and since.  On the advice of one of my favorite priests I've really limited contact with my family of origin and that has helped some, but obviously not to the point that I would have hoped.  I'm nervous about my mom coming for Christmas as I know that the scab is getting ripped off...  Hopefully I can remember to offer it up.

Prayer Buddy - In this last week of Advent, please pray for healing in my family of origin.

Thank you!

Thank you for the prayers.  They helped immensely.  We ended up with quite the miracle here.  I'm not ready to talk about it publicly but if you know my other blog, I've posted there.  E-mail me if you need the link or access.

Thanksgiving was a nice quiet affair...  just me, E and S.  We actually got started on our prep so late on Thanksgiving that we had our turkey dinner on Friday.  It was nice and relaxed and just what I needed.  Funny as I was really upset the week before that it was just going to be the three of us.

I feel so blessed and yet I wish I could share with my family.  Prayer buddy please pray for healing in my family of origin.  Too much to get into tonight but there is so much brokenness in my family.

I pray that each and everyone of you had a very blessed Thanksgiving and an even more blessed start to Advent!  -C.C.

Prayer Request

There is so much I want to write here today and yet all that comes out is "Please pray for me."  I can't get into it right now but any prayers would be greatly appreciated.

Prayer Buddy Reveal

I'm sorry it's taken me so long to get this posted.  It's been a bit crazy around here.  I'll update on the craziness later in the week.  Onto the reveal...

I was excited to get the email letting me know that I would have the honor of praying for another crunchy mama who knows the pain of IF.  I not only enjoy what she writes on her blog but also what she writes on mutual friends FB pages.  Funny enough I've read her blog here and there for some time but I had just finally added her to my google reader a few days before the prayer buddy match up e-mails went out.  Since I don't think that I'd ever commented on her blog before, I didn't want to start during the prayer buddy time and risk outing myself.

My prayer buddy has had a roller coaster ride lately with a potential adoption that fell through and then finding out that her beautiful daughter needs surgery...  through it all she has maintained the grace that we've all come to expect from her...  of course I'm talking about Lauren at Magnify the Lord With Me.

I ask everyone to join me in praying for Lauren's sweet little girl A on Tuesday.

I also want to thank Tess from The Lighthouse for praying for me and my family.  I'd never seen Tess' blog before I received her e-mail this weekend...  out little blogging world is growing by leaps and bounds!  Thank you Tess!  I look forward to getting to know you.

Rest In Peace Baby M

Baby M went home to Jesus this afternoon.  She was 10 weeks old.  Please continue to pray for her parents and their families as they struggle to understand God's plan and grieve the loss of their sweet baby. Please pray for God to hold them in His arms and infuse them with His grace.

Here we go again

I feel weird complaining about my cycles when not too far away my worst nightmare is coming true for someone else and yet we must go on.

I'm pretty sure that I'm on CD 2...  I'm back to so many red stickers that deciphering CD1 is a little hard again.  I have a lot to do today and I'm flooding so heavy that it's hard to be away from the lieu very long.  Poor S was really mad at me for making her go down for a nap early but we have a lot to do this afternoon and I needed her to go down.  None of us slept well last night anyway so she really needs the sleep.  On the upside I have more energy than I did at the beginning of the week.  I'm guessing that the green smoothies are responsible for me not being asleep on the sofa right now.

I can't believe that tomorrow is the last day of prayer buddies.  I'm looking forward to the big reveal.

The answer is Yes until the Author of Life says No...

A few weeks ago when I was visiting the parish where I was confirmed, the new parochial vicar there said the above quote while asking for prayer for someone who was on life support.  The quote echoed in my heart as I read the latest update on Baby M..

Baby M is on life support. Current brain function tests so far are negative. One more is scheduled for tomorrow...  The prognosis is not good. Pray God will spare Baby M's parents from having to make the decision to end life support. Please keep, Baby M and her family in your thoughts and prayers.


I don't know Baby M's parents, they are friends of friends but I don't think I've ever met them, and yet they have been constantly on my heart since I read about the dire situation with Baby M last night.  E and I are definitely holding our baby a little tighter tonight and not minding as much as normal that S isn't in a mood to sleep.  St. Michael pray for us!

Update on Prayer Request

Baby M is no better, she is still on the ventilator and the grandmother reported that she is being given adrenaline just to keep her heart going.

Please continue to keep them all in your prayers!

Urgent Prayer Request

A local family found their baby girl M in her crib not breathing today. They have airlifted her to S.acred H.eart Hospital two hours away and the doctors have very little hope for her. They estimate she was not breathing for maybe a half hour.


The mom is at the hospital now and the dad is on the way there with his mother-in-law. Please pray for the dad as he is feeling extremely guilty becasue he was caring for her and feels like he should have been able to prevent the SIDS.


Please pray for baby M and her whole family as well as her care providers.

Kicking my bum

I was hoping that I wouldn't have very much of a detox reaction to starting the green smoothies again...  oh well! Thankfully E will be home early today (the end of the fiscal year usually brings weekend work for E) and then I'll have our mother's helper here tomorrow and Tuesday.  Hopefully things will settle down by then.

............... my brain is totally dead...........  There was something else that I planned to write but all I can think about is sleep and peanut butter.  I guess I'll close and see if I can get a few minutes sleep before S wakes up from her nap.

Wasps and other bumps in the road

That title sounds ominous doesn't it...  Actually almost everything that has happened since I last updated has been good.  I'm  just in a bit of a writers block for titles. ;o)

We hired both the girls that had second interviews.  The one with the NC connection is working out fabulously as the mother's helper.  She fits better than I could have dreamed.  The other girl is getting up to speed with the housework.  I'm worried about how we are going to afford this and yet life is so much better with help that I know I just have to leave it in God's hands.

The only real drama has been yellow jackets.  Due to some unseasonably cool weather until recently and now some unseasonably warm weather we have had a really bad time with yellow jackets for about the last month.  Usually they are not an issue after labor day but I have been literally cut off from S two times in the last week.  I've decided that until we get some colder weather I'm going to try to avoid being out at mid-day when they are the worst.

E and I went to a talk by the Green Smoothie Girl last night. The diet that she encourages is different from the GAPS diet and yet the two are not as divorced as one might initially think.  We purchased her 12 Steps to Whole Foods Complete Course which I had been praying about and was discounted at the talk.  E and I are committing to working through the 12 steps over the next year and will include GAPS based diet knowledge as well, primarily in our use of bone broths which is something I don't think that Green Smoothie Girl covers. We're excited to introduce green smoothies to S as well.

This morning I hit the farmer's market to get a bunch of greens.  It really is amazing how cheaply you can get good wholesome food at the farmer's markets.  I have no idea how much three bags full of organic produce would have cost at the grocery store but it was only $26 at the farmer's market.  By next week I should have a better idea of just how much greens we will need each week.

I know I'm forgetting a bunch but I have to get ready for Mass.  Please pray that S sleeps through Mass.  She hasn't had a nap yet (not that we haven't tried - we tried hard).  So there is a possibility that if she doesn't sleep through Mass that one of us will have to sit with her in the car.

Prayer buddy during these last few days would you please pray for healing for me and my family, body mind and spirit.  And for a special intention.  Thank you!

Weaknesses

I'm not good at hiring, firing and supervising...  So what the heck am I doing?  I guess I'm working though my weaknesses.  It's been really hard for me to take off that social worker hat from my past and remember that if they are not a good fit that I just have to move on.

The girl from Friday night that had the same last name as a blogger had a family emergency in OH and withdrew her application.  So we have 2 women who will meet S later today.  I like both of them so it comes down to who works best with S.  I'm so thankful that E will be here to get to know them and give his opinion too.

I didn't offer a second interview to the other woman from Friday.  I just sent her a note saying that I thought she'd find a better fit with another family and wishing her the best.  Now I have to write the same thing to a young woman that I interviewed yesterday....  it was by far the worst interview.  She was a couple minutes late arriving to the coffee shop, then rather than hurry in stood outside the coffee shop and had a phone conversation making her even later to the interview.  Once inside she didn't even apologize for being late but the kicker was that she was in 5" stilettos and false eyelashes...  sigh.  I kept her interview as brief a possible as I knew right away that she was not going to be a good fit with S.  I did ask a few questions to confirm though and yup, just not a good fit.  She really was a sweet girl though.  I just told her that I'd let her know if she was selected for a second interview by this evening.  I pray that she will find a family where she fits better.

One of the women that is coming for a second interview today has a NC connection.  I'm not sure how much I've written on this blog about the NC connection...  We have been getting clear signs about NC, D.urham, D.uke, and the T.riangle since the first Wednesday in February 2009.  At first it was what we used to know that we were on the right track in going to see Dr. Y at D.uke but then once surgery was over the signs never stopped.  Every time we ask God to help us understand, they get more frequent and more bizarre.  E and I laugh about it and say that we'll probably have to ask God face to face someday "What the heck was all that for?"  If all of this was just to make sure that we get the right mother's helper, then I guess that's okay.  Seems a bit overkill though. ;o)

Mass yesterday was exactly what I needed after a day of interviewing.  I felt so renewed and hopeful at the end of Mass that I almost didn't want it to end.  Even though things aren't right in Rome, we're still aiming for the old college try this cycle.  Of course that would be easier if our toddler wasn't teething right now.  Fertile signs started just before bed night before last and things still haven't worked out yet.

After Mass I was talking to a friend who's a sweet older widow.  I told her about the interviewing and she told me to ask St. Anthony for help.  I laughed and told her that S brought me a St. Anthony Novena booklet on Friday.  I have no idea where she even found it.  We both ended up having a good laugh but of course I don't believe in coincidences...  St. Anthony pray for us!

I'm also going to start this bible study on the 28th.  I've been missing being part of a bible study and I think this one is a great one for me to do now.  I've done similar studies and think this will be a great review with some new information but not so much that it's too much for now, if that makes sense.

Oh well, I have to eat something, get a shower and pick up a little before the interviews start.  Please pray that S takes a nap.

Quick update

I should be in bed already but I'm so excited about something that I had to post.  I was not looking forward to charting but I know that I have to if I want to go back on hCG injections.  I've been charting but have yet to put the stickers on my chart so I didn't realize until tonight that I actually get to use GREEN stickers!!  I guess I'm still way healthier than I was as I was a total yellow sticker girl before pregnancy.  In fact prior to pregnancy I think I'd used maybe 2 green stickers ever.  Now to remember where I put all those green stickers. ;o)

The interviews tonight were better than most of the others so far.  The first woman had a ton of experience, maybe too much...  I think she was trying to prove how much she knew about children but she ended coming off as arrogant.  Maybe she was just nervous but it may cost her a second interview depending on how the other women do.  I want to interview tomorrow's candidates before I decide for sure.  The second woman had almost no paid experience but I can probably see her fitting in here better.  Unless the two girls in the morning blow me out of the water, the second girl from tonight will probably be invited to a 2nd interview.

Funny enough the 2nd girl is Catholic, from OH and has the same last name as another blogger.  That could be a good sign.  My bed is calling.  Please pray that by 1 PM PDT that I have a clear idea about who I should offer a second interview to.

Speechless

So the woman from last night that was supposed to meet S tonight during her second interview called asking to have her interview earlier because she had something come up with her family.  Thank you God that I didn't have to call her.  I told her that it was probably providential as the more I thought about last night the more I thought that she would be a better fit with a family that was less attachment oriented.

Then I got a phone call from S's Godmother that made me speechless.  Although my version of speechless is to ramble on about things that don't matter...  S's Godmother is pregnant again.  I'm so happy for her and yet as I'm typing this the tears are starting to flow.  It took everything that I had in me to not burst into tears on the phone.   So there I am speechless again.

Ugh!

Well, I offered a second interview to the person from tonight but I have some strong reservations.  She seems to have negative ideas about attachment parenting even though it's clear that she doesn't know what it is and she expressed concern about her sister "going overboard" on organics.  I'm not sure if she means processed things that are labeled organic or what.  It was funny though as it was clear that our styles are pretty much polar opposite.  So the big question is can she adapt to our style?

I really need somebody though so if she and S get along and she says she's willing to adapt to our style then I might give her a try.  Maybe I should just start praying about the other lady that I'm interviewing on Friday!  There's a couple of other people that have contacted me too so hopefully I can find someone that's a good enough fit that I can get this house cleaned out.

Prayer Request

Tonight at 6:15 PM PDT, I'm interviewing someone for the mother's helper position.  I have another first interview on Friday night but she seems a little bossy.  I'm really praying that the woman tonight works out.  I know it's a silly little thing compared to all the other prayer requests out there but any prayerful thought you could throw my way is much appreciated.

I just had a brief stabbing pain in my right side and my first thought was "Fudge muffins!  Can't I get a break?"  My BBT for the last 2 days has been 96.9.  I need to make an appointment with my primary doc and take this article with me.  Even my research scientist husband who takes a lot of convincing is convinced that my thyroid is off.  My hope is that getting someone to help me with S a few hours a week will give me the time to take care of myself.  Of course, I'm here blogging rather than on the phone with my docs.  So while I've been sitting here, I've had two more brief stabbing pains...  I guess I could start timing them but I think I take a nap instead since S is asleep.

I think I'm finally done with pumping.  S had the last of the milk this morning.  I'm sad and yet I feel free to just enjoy our time.  She is such a magical little girl and I was missing so much with her.  I'm enjoying being a mom more so that's probably more important than the milk.  Oh, that nap is really calling me.

I guess some people have to learn their own lessens

I'll admit it.  I'm pretty hard headed and often insist on learning my own lessons.  I'm also pretty likely to stick my foot in my mouth.  I was just surprised to see a friend of mine that is struggling with primary infertility post "10 weeks and craving..."  I feel bad for her as now some of her friends and family really think that she is finally pregnant.  Please pray for my friend as she corrects her friends and family.

I'm supposed to be calling people back for the mother's helper position but I'm having a hard time getting going today.  I've been temping every 2 hours today for my primary doc who wants to see at least 3 average daily temps.  Today's average is 97.93.  I also need to make an appointment with my NaPro doc but of course I'm procrastinating!  At least I'm half listening to the homily on EWTN...  that's productive right? ;o)

It's good to know we're not alone

I think the most helpful part of the blogging world has been seeing that I'm not alone.  In my frustration over the f.acebook thing, I went looking for those who were also frustrated and found this wonderful post that expresses my feelings way better than I ever could.

Unfortunately, I'm beginning to accept the label of secondary infertility.  I know I'm only on my 3rd cycle since pregnancy but I'm on my 15th day of my period...  obviously something ain't right in Rome.  Maybe all I need is hCG but will that take care of the pain where I feel like I'm being ripped apart?  I actually took a high sensitivity pregnancy test yesterday to see if by some chance I had just tested too early and then miscarried.  The test was negative.  Anyway, it was good for me to find the post above because she lives with secondary IF.  I'm more and more drawn to the blogs of others living with secondary IF.  Of course this is new to me since before I had a hard time reading any blogs with children.

In other news, I'm weaning off of pumping.  Maybe today I won't pump just to see how that goes.  It is easier to be a mom to S without all the drama of pumping with D-MER.  I pray that if I'm blessed to get pregnant again that I won't have to deal with D-MER or pumping.  I guess a girl gets to dream right?

P.S.  The more I think about it, the real reason I didn't read blogs of those dealing with secondary IF before was I didn't want to think about secondary IF.  I was hoping that I'd turn into one of those fertile mertiles once I got pregnant the first time.  Oh well! ;o)

F.acebook strikes again

I'm so tired of these stupid games on Fa.cebook.  This is what I got in my inbox this morning:
Ok pretty ladies, it's that time of year again, in support of breast cancer awareness!!
So we all remember last years game of writing your bra color as your status?.....or the way we like to have our handbag handy?
Remember last year so many people took part that it made national news and, the constant updating of status reminded everyone why we're doing this and helped raise awareness!!
Do NOT tell any males what the status' mean, keep them guessing!! And please copy and paste (in a message )this to all your female friends to see if we can make a bigger fuss this year than last year!!!

I did my part... now YOUR turn ! Go on ladies...and let's have all the males guessing! .. It's time to confuse the men again (not that its really that hard to do :)) Everyone knows it makes their brains work wonders on what we're talkin about!!
The idea is to choose the month you were born and the day you were born. Pass this on to the girls only and lets see how far it reaches around. The last one about the bra went round allovr the world. So you'll write... I'm (your birth month) weeks and I'm craving (your birth date)!!! as your status


Example: Feb 14th= I'm 2 weeks and craving Choclolate mints!! ;);)
January-1week
Febuary-2weeks
March-3weeks
April-4weeks
May-6weeks
June-8weeks
July-10weeks
August-12weeks
September-13weeks
October-14weeks
November-16weeks
December-18weeks
Days of the month:

1- Skittles
2- Starburst
3- Kit-Kat
4- M&M's
5- Tomatoes
6- Ice Cream
7- Dairy Milk
8- Lollipop
9- Peanut Butter Cups
10- Meat Balls
11- Twizzlers
12- Bubble Gum
13- Hershey's Kisses
14- Chocolate Mints
15- Twix
16- Cheese
17- Fudge
18- Cherry Jello
19- Banana's
20- Pickels
21- Chicken Wings
22- Skittlesb
23- Gummy Bears
24- Gummy Worms
25- Strawberry Pop Tarts
26- Starburst
27- Mini Eggs
28- Kit-Kat Chunkie
29- Double Chocolate Chip Chrunchy Cookies
30- Smarties
31- Chocolate Cake
I replied saying that it was insensitive to those living with infertility and urged people not to participate.  I didn't get into how insensitive it is to people like my aunt who wouldn't get the joke and would really think that I was pregnant.
I googled this and found a couple others that have lived through infertility saying that they were offended along with others saying that they shouldn't be offended.  What do you think?

Stressed

Well, my favorite person from the interviews the other night said she took another job.  I wrote her back asking for feedback on how I can better attract someone like her to the job.  If she says more money, then there's probably not much I can do but I'm hoping that she can give me some good feedback that can help.

I'm feeling discouraged.  I wish I had at least one sane family member that had time to come help with S so that I could get this house in order.  Alas the only sane family members that are capable of helping with S have to work and this place needs a couple months of hard work 2-3 days a week to get it back to a place where it will be easier to maintain.  Clutter is just so time consuming!

I'm flooding again today.  Funny enough other than being tired I feel pretty good.  I've always been amazed that I feel the most stable when I'm flooding away.  It's super annoying though to stand up and feel a gush.

S is playing away so sweetly.  I'm thinking that she must be trying to poop as she normally wouldn't give me this long!

CD 11 and FLOODING!

Seriously?!?!?  I really am flooding on CD 11.  I flooded on CD 2, 3, and 4 then the flooding resumed yesterday on CD 10.  Why can't my body just do what it's supposed to do?  It's been hard running after a busy 15 month old while flooding.  I'm so tired.  Oh well, something else to offer up.

Please pray that my favorite person from last night works out for the mother's helper position.  I feel like I could really trust her to take care of S but she could be making more money somewhere else.  I pray that it all works out as I'm just too tired to keep going.  I guess it's nap time.

Doing better

Y'all must be praying for me!  I am still in a good amount of pain but feeling more stable emotionally.  I finally posted an ad for a mother's helper position as well as a housekeeper position.  Our beloved housekeeper started a full time graduate program last week and this place is getting pretty bad.  I had hoped to have a mother's helper in place before our housekeeper left so that I wasn't having to have 2 new people at the same time, but we had a bunch of drama with the last mother's helper back in May and I just wasn't up to dealing with the interviewing again until now.  Right off the bat I had to turn down 2 people for the mother's helper position and was not feeling very optimistic last night but then this morning 2 people that I'm interested in talking more with applied.  And a pretty awesome sounding candidate applied for the housekeeping position.  I know that God is always looking out for me but I'm feeling it a little more today.

I smell poop! ;o)

What a load of c#@&!

Two posts in one day??  It's just because I'm hormonal and am so tired of worthless stuff like this article.  If I wasn't so hormonal it probably wouldn't tick me off so much but oh well.  I love how they mix a little truth with a lot of lie.  Ugh!  I also LOVE how they make it sound like E and I have no hope for making a baby in our OLD age!  St. Michael Defend Us!

Until my period started, I'd been doing pretty good at staying off of sugar and grains and following a mostly GAPS based diet but I really need  hot chocolate!  Good night.

Ripping apart

Seriously, sometimes I have no idea how I ever got pregnant with S other than the fact that I was about 30 pounds lighter when I conceived.  The cycle that I got pregnant with her I didn't think that I could get pregnant as my cycle was the lightest cycle I'd ever had.  I really thought it was abnormally light.  When I got pregnant I wondered if that's what periods are supposed to be like??   My first period after pregnancy wasn't as light I don't think but I had no pain....  what a concept!  Last cycle was very heavy and painful but nothing like this.  This cycle is hell!  I have been flooding for days and feel like I'm ripping apart on my left side.  Side note: my left side had more adhesions.  Ugh!  I give up.  I just want to crawl into bed and stay there.

Oh and to add insult to injury...  I've been trying to taper down on pumping as I'm still experiencing D-MER  and for our family's sake I need to stop.  You'd think that someone with such a low supply (I'm only getting maybe 4 oz a day) could just stop pumping but not me.  I hear of these women who just stop breastfeeding without their breast hurting, but not me.  Heck despite a low supply, I soaked my shirt today...  what the heck?  Can't anything go right with my body?

Obviously I'm a hormonal mess and my poor husband is getting the brunt of it.  That man is a SAINT!  Please pray for my dear sweet saint of a husband and for my marriage.

Total Bust

I was hoping to not have to start charting again.  I was hoping that I was just testing too early.  Nope, it's CD 1 after just a 24 day cycle...  It's time to start charting again.  Crud!  I had pretty severe ovulation type pain on Friday 8/12 so that means I might have had an 8 day luteal phase...  Crud!  I'm so tired of all of this.

Since there are post dates on both sides of the family and S was exactly 10 months from LMP to delivery, if I'm blessed enough to become pregnant again, I can probably count on having another close to 10 month pregnancy.  So that means that I would have to get pregnant this cycle to be able to deliver by my 40th birthday which is exactly 10 months from today.  Ugh!  I feel so old.

Now for some happy news...  S is 15 months today.  She is in full on todderhood.  She wants what she wants, when she wants it or the world might end.  Despite that, she is more fun everyday.  She learns new words and signs everyday.  She has a shy side but after she gets her bearings is outgoing and talks to just about everyone.  She sleeps in her crib which is a corner of our room.  This morning when I heard her wake up I pretended like I was asleep and just watched her play and talk away to herself...  she is magical.  She is truly the light of our lives and I can't imagine my life without her.  I know she will make a great big sister if that is God's will.  She makes me want to be a better person.

That's all I can think of for now.  Prayer buddy, please pray for peace and understanding in our little Catholic blogging world.  It seems as though the evil one is trying to stir the pot.  Of course he loves nothing more than to get God's children to quarrel.  St. Michael, pray for us!

Feeling left behind again / Annoyed with the health and wealth gospel

I got a BFN this morning. I didn't expect it to be +, we were a little off on our timing this month... it was possible but not probable. Then a friend who was pregnant with her first at the same time I was pregnant with S, posted on FB that she's pregnant with her second. That was the 6th or 7th person who was pregnant when I was to announce another pregnancy or birth in the last month or so. I know this is only my second cycle since pregnancy and that it's still really early for testing but I'm still feeling left behind and all those feelings that have never really gone away are getting louder in my head.

Funny enough, it may really be a blessing that I'm not pregnant as I really need some major dental work but can't God just heal my teeth? I know how pathetic I sound. I can laugh at myself but it's still hard and unfortunately I didn't realize until just now how much I took out my disappointment from this morning on my dear little S. That child will have no purgatory time, as having me for a mother will have been enough!

I'm sorry I haven't updated the hospital story yet. I just haven't been able to get myself back into the place to write about it again.

S has been doing really well lately. Her blood sugar has remained in the normal range, her skin is looking better everyday (although the diaper rash is a bit worse again - still NOTHING like what it was) and she's sleeping better. Poor thing did get stung by a bee or wasp on Wednesday. She did really well with the whole thing and had only a minimal reaction but the sting site is still bothering her some. It just broke my heart to see her start screaming like that.

Okay so here is my soap box for today: GOD IS GOOD ALL OF THE TIME, not just when things are going good! I know I'm preaching to the choir on this one but some comments on FB have really been annoying me. I know the people mean well but when they write things like "Glad to hear the good news!!! God is good", I know that they subscribe to the health and wealth gospel of "if you pray hard enough or well enough that you will be blessed." Nothing could be farther from the truth. I so wish that those health and wealth gospel types could understand that God is ALWAYS good and that He does answer prayer in the best way for our salvation. I wish they could understand redemptive suffering. I wish that they knew the Communion of Saints. I wish so many things but I'm not very good at helping people gently find the truth. Is this God asking me to work through my weaknesses or Him trying to teach me to learn to let go? Crud another thing to discern. I'm off my soapbox now.

I'm so glad that we're in this time of prayer buddies again. It has been so good for me to offer up some of this for my prayer buddy and to know that someone is praying for me.

Prayer buddy - please pray for healing in my family.

Blessings Everyone! CC

Grueling Week

I want to start by expressing my deepest gratitude for each and everyone of you who have been praying for S.  Here's the story as best I could get out in my sleep deprived state.  I'm sure there are many typos but I'm too tired to proof read.

S has had this horrible diaper rash since right around her birthday a little more than 2 months ago.  We've tried everything and she would get maybe 90% better and then it would flare up super bad again.  Then when we went to E's class reunion about 4 weeks ago she ended up breaking out on her legs and stomach.  It didn't look too bad at first but then it kept getting worse.  So last week on Wednesday we took S back to her primary care doc.  The primary care doc was surprised that S wasn't healing like she expected but decided internal anti-fungals were necessary and was sure that would be the trick.  Well by Monday of this week, I knew that it wasn't helping.  S's rash was getting worse and it looked like the rash was starting to bruise her.  We took her to pediatric urgent care that night and were blessed to have a ped from our parish on that night.  He said he thought the bruising was just an abrasion that was not related to the rash and was not concerned.  He was concerned that the internal anti-fungals weren't working and switched her to a stronger one as well as prescribe a steroid cream for the diaper rash.  I knew Monday that something was seriously wrong but I let the ped calm me down and convince me otherwise.

Wednesday morning I heard S call "mama" about 7:45 am.  I was pumping so I just listened on the monitor and kept pumping.  She never said anything else so I figured that she had just said mama as she was rolling over.  After I finished pumping I thought that I should rest until S got up but I just couldn't settle down.  Normally I feel blessed when S sleeps in but there was a different feel to that morning and so I got dressed, ate something and then laid down on the sofa with the monitor in hand.  S woke up grumpy just after 9.  I hardly ever know exactly when she wakes as I rarely look at the clock and think about it until later.  That day for some reason I made sure to know what the time was as I was heading up stairs.  S was grumpier than she usually is when she sleeps until 9 but I didn't think much of it.  She had super soaked her diaper and her p.j. bottoms were damp too.  I asked her if she wanted to get a clean diaper right away or if she wanted a bath first.  She signed "bath" so we headed to her bathroom.  Not too long after she got in the water she got on her hands and knees.  She had been constipated for a couple days so I asked her if she wanted to sit on the toilet.  She reached for the toilet and I helped her onto her potty seat and put a towel around her to keep her warm.  Then she leaned back.  At first I thought that she was just trying a different position to poop in but her eyes went vacant.  I was concerned.  Shortly after I realized that I was concerned, S came out of her stare a bit and kind of threw herself forward with a groan / whimper.  I helped her off the toilet and she curled up on the floor of the bathroom and became non-responsive.  I picked her up and she had no muscle tone. I ran to the phone and called 911.  I had a hard time talking clearly to the 911 operator but I was finally able to get her to understand that we needed an ambulance.  While I was on the phone with 911 I moved S downstairs near the door and unlocked the door.  I'd never seen her so lifeless.

The ambulance guys were great and S perked up a little on the ride but then seemed to be slipping away again.  When we got to the hospital things were kind of a blur.  E was already there as I called him right before we left the house and the hospital is closer to his office than our house.  The doctor bullied us into a spinal tap for S and we consented.  I regret that as it was clear as soon as they took her blood sugar and temp what was wrong...  her blood sugar was 40 and her rectal temp was 96 point something.  They got her a warm blanket to warm her up but I think they didn't get an IV with sugar going until after they did the spinal.  Of course the spinal tap was fine other than low sugar.  The ER nurse didn't look too confident in getting the IV in.  I mentioned getting a NICU nurse and she just smiled and put the IV in the crease of S's dominant arm.  The IV helped and her glucose started inching up.

Finally when the pediatrician at the hospital came in they asked a bunch of questions and decided that he was pretty sure that S had just gotten into some diabetes medication and was going to be fine.  We admitted that while we couldn't be 100% sure that S's grandmother hadn't dropped a pill in our house when she was here for S's birthday in May but that we really thought he was barking up the wrong tree and would like her worked up for other causes.  After being in the ER for what seemed like forever, she was admitted to the peds ward and we started getting settled in.

*****
The nurses on the pedsmeds.  When E asked about the drop in the night, the doc said that he thought it was consistent with the med idea.  He went so far as to tell E that he wouldn't recommend looking into it any further as it would be too stressful for us.  Needless to say, I told E that I wanted to talk to the doc when I got back.  Hurried back there and had a little coming to Jesus with that doc.  I was polite but I felt like he made his decision in the ER and was not willing to even look for other explanations.

The doc offered to let S stay another night but I told him that since her 5 pm level (which we again had to insist on) was fine that I was okay with being discharged.  Then at some point in the conversation he said something that sounded like he was implying that S hadn't really needed to be in the hospital Wednesday night and that was a favor to us.  Considering that her sugar drastically dropped in the night, I was more than annoyed and just wanted her out of that hospital.

She did well Thursday night at home.  We made sure to get her up and feed her in the night since we have no idea what happened.  Friday was low key. I was so tired that I could barely function but S went easy on me and took a longer nap than she has in a while. S seemed so happy to be home and I know I was.  We are seeing our primary care doc this morning at 9:30 to see about next steps but E and I have already decided that we're taking her to a Pediatric Endocrinologist as soon as we can identify one that we are interested in and can get an appointment.

I'm pretty sure looking back now that S has had some blood sugar issues for a while.  As soon as they got her blood sugar up, her diaper rash started just disappearing and making sure to feed her every 2 hours has helped her be a lot happier.  I feel so guilty that I hadn't put it together before now.  Hopefully this is something that diet can fix.  Please keep praying.  As you can imagine E and I are sleeping with one eye open so to speak.

****  Update *** I just skimmed over this and somehow a chunk is missing where the **** is.  I'll try to fix that as sometime this weekend.

The C-Section as Birth Control

I've tried to articulate this before but MAMA BIRTH has explained it so well that I'll let her words do the talking.  This is such an important pro-life issue.

CD2

I wondered how I'd feel when CD1 finally came around.  Overall I'm relieved.  I had started to worry that AF was never coming back.  I had done some research and supposedly the average return of cycles when breastfeeding is 14 months...  But I've just been pumping since S stopped nursing at 6 months and most of the people that I know who are truly exclusively breastfeeding have gotten their cycles back long before 1 year.

I still can't believe that prior to yesterday my LMP was 7/21/09!  For someone who had heavy, painful periods every 21-32 days for 27 years straight it was pretty weird to go 23 months and 9 days between cycles.

I'm tired today but not in pain...  What a blessing!  I'm still not used to this painless period thing since this is only my 3rd period since surgery.  It's so weird.  It's funny as I keep realizing that I'm super tense and relaxing to find no pain.  I think I'm just so used to period pain that I tense up without thinking about it and then I have to seriously remind myself that I'm healthier now.  There is a feeling of fullness and some twinges of something going on but still NO PAIN!  Unfortunately I am not pain free...  I just don't have period related pain...  But I'll take it!

There is so much else to say but I have to get ready for a trip to the coast tomorrow.  This will be S's first trip to the coast.  I'm really looking forward to being down there but prepping for the trip I could do without.

I pray each and everyone of you has a very blessed 4th of July!
C.C.

P.S.  Happy Canada Day JB!

Will I ever learn?

"If you don't want to know the answer, don't ask the question!"...  Right?  Why can't I learn this??

I had a "good" appointment with my primary doctor today.  I'm still a little in shock but I guess it's time to put on my big girl pants.  I'm mainly typing this up what we talked about as a reference to me so hopefully it's not too boring.

1.  I'm strongly reacting to almonds...  I burst into tears.  All the really good dairy-free stuff is nut based and therefore why I've ended up reacting to almonds...  CRUD!

2. My anion gap was 15 which my doctor says means that I'm not getting enough B1.  Okay that's easy enough.  She said I just need to add a B complex.

3.  My homocysteine has gone back up to 7.87.  So I HAVE to remember to take my L-methylfolate EVERYDAY! 

4.  My CRP is high.  It was 3.6.  Even the lab says that's high so crud...  interestingly enough the lab paperwork says that I should be examined for non-cardiovascular sources of inflammation like infection.  Hmmm.

5.  So besides almonds, I'm strongly reacting to red grapes.  Unfortunately my doctor checked the wrong box so we only got the basic food panel.  But the basic panel showed a moderate reaction to egg white, gliaden, gluten, malt, wheat, kidney bean, soybean, and brewer's yeast.  The egg white and the soybean were on the last allergy panel back in 2008 but the rest was totally new.  I'm sure that this is leaky gut.  I told my doctor that and at first she said that she didn't think so.  However, when I explained why I thought it was she agreed.  Thankfully she doesn't feel that I have to go totally gluten free but feels that I should go wheat free which we've already been working on anyway.  She told me to just rotate gluten grains so that I don't have gluten everyday.  The funny thing is that as much as I LOVE wheat bread, hearing that I need to avoid wheat wasn't as hard as hearing that I need to give up almonds.  Bye, bye MimicCreme (if you haven't tried it, it makes the best Alfredo sauce)!

6.  She gave me a Candida Protocol to help address the leaky gut in a more gentle fashion than some other protocols.  She doesn't want me to go to fast since S is still getting some breast milk.  I love that her protocol tells you how to lessen the impact of cheating.  I also love the fact that she just bluntly said "You don't have to do this perfectly, it will still work as long as you follow the protocol most of the time."

7.  She finally agreed to look past the numbers on my thyroid!  Well, I should say she finally agreed to look past the lab numbers.  She wants me to temp 3 times a day for 3 days and call in my average daily temps to her.

I think that's all.  I really appreciated my doctor more today than ever.  I am truly blessed to have her in my life.

There is so much more to say but S will be getting up from her nap soon so I'd better sign off.  I hope there aren't too many mistakes.

Welcome!

Welcome to my new blog.  I'm not quite sure yet exactly what the focus of this blog will be or even if it will have a specific focus.  It will probably be just what ever comes to my mind.

Just to tell you a little bit about myself...  I'm the wife to the most amazing man in the world (E) and mom of a 10 month old little girl (S) that is the light of my husband and my lives.  We lived through 2 years of active TTC, surgery, shots, etc to get her here and we love her more than I have words to express.  As the name of this blog implies we are devoutly Catholic and pretty typical west coast crunchy types.  I hope that you'll join me on this journey to see what God has in store for us next.